The Good, The Bad, and The Grimace.

Pacman is probably the least fulfilling video game. You feed...

Wed, 04 Apr 2012 01:22:15 -0700

Pacman is probably the least fulfilling video game.

You feed quarters and time into a machine and there’s no ending. Eventually the ghosts move to fast, get you in a corner and “beew weew weew weew bloop bloop.“ It’s over.

It’s actually a pretty good analogy for life. We all go around about our business. We meet ladies, get married, and have children. But all the while our past is haunting us. Always behind us. Until it catches up and ”beew weew weew weew bloop bloop.”

Pacman is real and he is you.

Me doing ventriloquism!

Thu, 08 Dec 2011 22:06:28 -0800

Me doing ventriloquism!

And what a day it was…

Mon, 05 Dec 2011 17:25:44 -0800

And what a day it was…

And they said their love could never be…

Sat, 03 Dec 2011 15:48:43 -0800

And they said their love could never be…

I’m a professional shoe model. Any pair I wear becomes a big hit days later. You’ll be...

Fri, 02 Dec 2011 07:57:59 -0800

I’m a professional shoe model. Any pair I wear becomes a big hit days later.

You’ll be wearing these by Monday.

Now, when I said, “Any pair I wear…” I mean the exact same pair of shoes I wear.

You’ll try your best to be wearing that exact pair by Monday.

You’ll be wearing these by Tuesday. If you can catch me.

Produced by Keystone Studios

Fri, 02 Dec 2011 03:18:25 -0800

Produced by Keystone Studios

Good Grimace is currently looking for sponsorship. We wrote an...

Fri, 02 Dec 2011 02:10:31 -0800

Good Grimace is currently looking for sponsorship.

We wrote an ad on soap to show you how good we could be at promoting YOUR product!

Do you have that nasty feeling that you smell nasty?

Well, if you’re not buying our product, you’re probably right!

Soap.

Don’t smell like an idiot.

Is a dream a dream if you dreamt it?

Thu, 01 Dec 2011 21:12:39 -0800

No.

“Ed, you play for us. We’re too nervous. Just hold...

Wed, 30 Nov 2011 01:28:00 -0800

“Ed, you play for us. We’re too nervous. Just hold your fingers like… There ya go! Good luck!”

Here is an image from an alternate reality, where Ed Sullivan played on his own show to replace some band from England, starting a career that changed music forevor.

He shook the rock and roll scene with a song about being polite to prostitues, “Please Me, Please.”

His next album proved he was sticking around with the oddly erotic title, “A Hard Knights Day.”

He then made a controversial statement about contraception, “A Rubber’s Soul.”

He bridged respectable and popular music with the album “Sgt. Sullivan’s Irregular Heartbeats Club”

Nobody knew what he was even going for with “The Tragical History Whore.” But the movie helped popularize citric acid.

He famously walked out on himself while recording “The (Black and) White Album.” A throwback to his television days.

After gaining weight, he made the more personal, self reflective album, “Flabby Road.”

He denounced America, moved to France, and prided himself as an Ex-Pat with the album “Le Tit, Be.”

John, Paul, George and Ringo got their own talk show, but ended up splitting over who got to sit behind the desk, and whether it was appropriate for Yoko Ono to be a guest. Every. Single. Night.

He had gone crazy. Everyone told him that it wasn’t his...

Tue, 29 Nov 2011 02:44:42 -0800

He had gone crazy. Everyone told him that it wasn’t his wife. But he didn’t care. Hell, he still thought he was in a submarine.

I’ve forgotten the taste of crunchy.My mother brought home a jar of crunchy peanut butter, she...

Wed, 18 Aug 2010 09:07:18 -0700

I’ve forgotten the taste of crunchy.
My mother brought home a jar of crunchy peanut butter, she thought it was creamy.

It was the greatest week.

This ends now. Today is my day. I’m getting my crunch on.

Bruce just LOVES this blog!

Tue, 17 Aug 2010 14:14:33 -0700

Bruce just LOVES this blog!

A lot of jokes are just really bad. Instead they refer to them as riddles. But riddles are supposed...

Mon, 07 Jun 2010 23:30:53 -0700

A lot of jokes are just really bad. Instead they refer to them as riddles.

But riddles are supposed to be more puzzley.

”What is the brightest fish?”
”The Sunfish“

This was in a riddle book I found. This isn’t a riddle at all.
It’s just a dumb question.

I think the real riddle is finding out why this was called a riddle.

I NEED more clothes with lightning bolts on them.

Mon, 07 Jun 2010 00:28:25 -0700

I NEED more clothes with lightning bolts on them.

“We hit some turbulence at around 20,000 feet, but I was...

Sat, 05 Jun 2010 20:18:00 -0700

“We hit some turbulence at around 20,000 feet, but I was able to smooth it out. Real smooth. Like buttah”

"The biggest mistake you can make in a food eating contest is reaching for the utensils."

Fri, 04 Jun 2010 22:54:40 -0700

“The biggest mistake you can make in a food eating contest is reaching for the utensils.”

- Esteban

In the future I become so manly, I become a bear. This is my...

Thu, 03 Jun 2010 20:36:26 -0700

In the future I become so manly, I become a bear.

This is my son, soon he too shall transform.

Swim in it.

Wed, 02 Jun 2010 21:40:32 -0700

Swim in it.

Dear TGTBTG,Long time reader, first time writer, so please excuse any bad punctuation I’ve never...

Tue, 01 Jun 2010 20:17:42 -0700

Dear TGTBTG,

Long time reader, first time writer, so please excuse any bad punctuation I’ve never done this before. I thought I would begin writing with the highest form of literature: a fan letter. Ever since I was about a year or two younger than I am right now I have read your blog; and it has satisfied my voracious, insulin-dependent appetite for comedy. When you told me to celebrate damp earth I spent the next week in a hole, and loved at least the first forty-five minutes of it. When you went on a space pirate adventure I stowed away on a Russian space rocket in hopes of glimpsing the glorious crew’s exploits. When you said you were busy working at camp I remained in the fetal position for three months. When you advised me of the trap laden photo booths I burned them all down. Now I am in prison; but I know in my heart it was worth it. All I want to say to you, Ian and Esty, is that you have ruined my life in the best possible way. Thank you

Sincerely,
Daniel Spielman

P.S. please pick up this faithful reader in 2-5 years

Working in a hotel is okay. The pay is fine, and the benefits are a little more than mediocre. I...

Mon, 31 May 2010 23:48:00 -0700

Working in a hotel is okay. The pay is fine, and the benefits are a little more than mediocre. I just ask you to remember people love to poop in the bed.

It’s terrible