April 2012
1 post
December 2011
7 posts
I’m a professional shoe model. Any pair I wear becomes a big hit days later.
You’ll be wearing these by Monday.
Now, when I said, “Any pair I wear…” I mean the exact same pair of shoes I wear.
You’ll try your best to be wearing that exact pair by Monday.
You’ll be wearing these by Tuesday. If you can catch me.
Is a dream a dream if you dreamt it?
No.
November 2011
2 posts
August 2010
2 posts
I’ve forgotten the taste of crunchy. My mother brought home a jar of crunchy peanut butter, she thought it was creamy. It was the greatest week.
This ends now. Today is my day. I’m getting my crunch on.
Bruce just LOVES this blog!
June 2010
8 posts
A lot of jokes are just really bad. Instead they refer to them as riddles.
But riddles are supposed to be more puzzley. ”What is the brightest fish?” ”The Sunfish“
This was in a riddle book I found. This isn’t a riddle at all. It’s just a dumb question.
I think the real riddle is finding out why this was called a riddle.
I NEED more clothes with lightning bolts on them.
“The biggest mistake you can make in a food eating contest is reaching for the...”
– Esteban
Dear TGTBTG, Long time reader, first time writer, so please excuse any bad punctuation I’ve never done this before. I thought I would begin writing with the highest form of literature: a fan letter. Ever since I was about a year or two younger than I am right now I have read your blog; and it has satisfied my voracious, insulin-dependent appetite for comedy. When you told me to celebrate damp...
Working in a hotel is okay. The pay is fine, and the benefits are a little more than mediocre. I just ask you to remember people love to poop in the bed.
It’s terrible
May 2010
47 posts
Are there any manlier scents than Old Spice, wet dirt, or bear cubs?
They say to never look a gift horse in the mouth, I don’t know what that means.
However, I say to never look a peacock in the eyes.
Seriously, it’s like they look right into your hopes and aspirations, and then steal your dreams.
The thing is though, that they have a ton of eyes.
A thousand soul piercing eyes.
“One mans love for so many people gets him into SOOO much trouble!! This summer, Liam Neeson is on a quest to save the women of his dreams. Along with his plucky sidekick Ben Kingsly as Itzhak Stern. Shindler’s List”
Depending on your sense of humor and your definition of “romance”, any movie could be a romantic comedy!
There’s something so satisfying about drinking out of the carton.
They ought to make mugs that look like them.
Or if people just calm the heck down, and we get rid of that stigma or taboo or whatever.
THEN we can drink straight out of the carton. Like we’re supposed to!
Like Abraham Lincoln did.
If you look around the internet enough you’re going to find some crazy memes.
You’ll probably end up seeing some version of the “Haters gonna hate” one.
There’s alot of them. And like anything that gets popular people are going to parody it.
Skaters gonna skate, and so on.
What’s Mater gonna do?
Don’t we all want a close group of friends who are willing to dress in unconventional clothes with you, listen to loud music, and dance in places that it’s illegal to dance in?
I guess what we want are friends that we can go ghostriding with.
At 5 in the morning you tend to get your best ideas for post.
I was going to write a nice epic story about toothpaste fighting.
But sometimes Google doesn’t provide the images you imagined at 5 in the morning.
Google’s first result for ‘toothpaste fight.” Disappointing
You ever wonder if other things work like placebos? Like what if the moon stopped existing 50 years ago. And instead of some celestial object there’s a couple scientists in Virginia with a powerful projector?
If we don’t know it’s broken is it broken?
Last night I wished for this blog to be super popular. I found out on the news this morning that two satellites crashed into each other. Thats what I was wishing on. I guess it’s not coming true. : (
Ian heard this 3 days ago. He left in a hurry....
Lets get creative here folks: First person to rob a liquor store Gandhi style gets my next paycheck.*
I decide what “Gandhi style” actually is, and no matter what, you’re doing it wrong.
I’m a simple man. I’ve lived my life...
This song is a true account of my relationship. I...
I’m making it a goal this week to get happier, more optimistic articles in the papers.
I don’t want to read about foreclosures, kidnappings, or murders.
If I die on my quest, spin it. Make it good.
Local man informs his loved ones he loves them!
Don’t publish my obituary.
From Here On Out
I am Ian “Beyonce” Abramson
We tried to raise him inside.
They said we should keep him outside where he belongs.
A thoroughbred racing horse should be out in the pasture.
We should have listened to them.
Now he stares out the window waiting for us to get home.
He wants to go out.
But we had to get a horse thats allergic to grass.
I have no idea what we feed him.
It seems to me that what a lot of people really want is a zombie invasion.
And a lot of people really want true love.
A lot of these people want both.
I think it’s genius.
The quintessential American dream.
To get the most fulfillment out of the darkest of situations.
Technology has a lot in common with fast food prices.
Because they both are gradually improving/rising they won’t ever surprise us.
When they come out with flying cars we won’t be surprised, because things have been gradually building up.
McDonald’s has been steadily increasing the price of the Big Mac by one cent each year. When it eventually costs a hundred bucks no one will...
There’s a story of a man who never sat down.
Somewhere.
There’s 50 “I hate how teacher’s lied about cursive!” fan pages on facebook.
But only 1 “The Good, The Bad, and The Grimace” page.
Lets fix this.
Lets stop hating teachers, cursive is fun.
Lets stop cluttering facebook.